Trains, Dogs, Rabies and Suits

I'm talking about Hoi An and the adventure there.

So the train trip began. After minding richies bag in the station for 45 mins, while he ducked off to find a 'lighter' for his dirty habit that he promised to be rid of by new years day, i needed to toilet. I lug the 4 bags over my back like a possessed sherpa and find richie, no doubt, talking to a belgian girl about more than how wonderful their country's chocolates are. Toilet happened and we got on the train.

We departed at about 11pm for Hue, the old capital of vietnam. We were due to arrive at approx 10 am so invested in a hard sleeper for the pleasant evening. We shared the cabin with 2 old viet men and 2 younger women who we mistake for their wives, as i would later learn. OK now i respect if people think my feet are dirty. I certainly respect this when sleeping in the linen of a guest. I even respect people's wishes for my to cover up my feet with socks. But when 2 cabin loads of vietnamese civilians point, jeer, mock and demand that i scrub my feet before climbing into the bed, I begin to understand the concept of communism. I wash my feet (granted they were black) and head for the cabin. The same mob inspect and after dutiful discussion, let me in the bed. So I lay there, pretty exhausted and ready for sleep. Before the zzzzs rich and i have a bit of a discussion with the locals on the train. This is always heaps of fun and they were cheery and interested old folks. I take a few sips of the aviation fuel they call vodka hanoi and head for pillow. Before I can do this the old men reach up, grab my arms and plunge them forth towards the woman's breast below. I recoil with all my strength as they offer me the lady for the evening. As much as joining the mile high equivalent for a train is appealing, this was not the time, place or person for such frivolities. I slept.

We woke and got off the long journey. We said goodbye to Liza, the Belgian girl who runs vietnamese tours for rich belgians, and stepped out onto a platform covered in rain, stalls and hawkers. Richie got off first and they jumped. At least 15 locals grabbing at every grabbable object on his person trying to win his attention and hopefully, his money. I got away and was able to watch with amusement at the site - karma does occur, believe it or not. So scurrying from the pouring rain to the bus shelter - followed by two dudes essentially offering the same thing ($6 room, good price for you my friend, in middle of town, very nice room, i show you if you like etc) who evidently were fended of us by a bohemeth of an armed guard. In the bus shelter we found our old friends steve and leslie, from ireland. These rockers arrived in hue only to book a bus to Hoi An an hour later after it had rained relentlessly for duration. After much deliberation, we decided to do the same. Off we wandered to the cafe of MR Pho.

Mr Pho is the nicest man i met in vietnam. He was was the first person i had met who did not care about commissions and what he could get out of the tourist. He loves his country and is proud of it! We love Mr Pho. Mr Pho, get this, told us not to stay in the hotel his company was linked to as it was too expensive!! WTF!! never would we expect selflessness! Good by you Mr Pho.

love you long time...2 time.

Well it has now been 10 days since my last blog - i can't imagine how hard it's been for you. I guess in internet jargon i have been constipated. Constipated and unable to blog, the only laxative being access to the internet and denied by an off-shore earthquake near taiwan. Now I am finally relieved, but have much to blog. So shall commence...

I am going to make two blogs because so much has happened that i need to compartmentalise it a bit! So this one will be from hanoi to hue and next one will be from hue to hoi an and a touch of nha trang.

my memeory now slightly faded, i'll do my best!

on the second we sight-saw hanoi! on the cards were ho chi minhs mausoleum and the temple of literature, and wherever us intrugue carried us. We would eventually and reluctantly fall into the hoard of lonely-planet donning backpackers - easy targets for the street sellers. Now Richie is the head of vietnam. in that he is the tour guide for it. so when arrived at the mausoleum at 1) 12.05 pm and 2) wearing shorts and t-shirts it came as a complete shock that 1) visiting hours were from 9-11.30 and 2 - 5 and 2) that only those with pants and long sleeves on were granted entry. We still got the token photo proving our attempted attendance... we went for a wander puchased some totally sweet pants for $5 bucks and looked around for a bite. we ducked down a side street and sat in a seedy, family owned locals only shop. we asked for whatever, and got it (it was pho with chicken bones and salmonella). Salmonella is a decorative description only as the meal was wicked and the people were absolutely lovely - they were the first we encoutered on our trip actually not wanting to accept a tip!

we visited the temple of literature where confucious and his prophets once studied, were enlightened, then strolled around a bonsai plantation. we then went back to the ho chi minh mausoleum - but weren't able to view the body! apparently this can only be done in the morning, dang. but really its not like i don't see enough dead bodies!

We caught a cyclo home, got severly ripped off, and then i can't remember want happened. I think we went out for tea...Yep we diefnately did. And it was probs one of the classiest places in hanoi - and cost us 5 Aussie bling. feeling pretty good, we walked down the flight of stairs and spotted a sign adevertising a massage parlour (there is no shortage of them, promise). Yep, we could go a RELAXED massage! we got into the sauna, and made our way to the closed-door room. The closed-door room is a trap, especially for claustrophobics. With no hestitatation my clearly trained and experienced masseuse named cuc plastered an imaginary object in the air, resembling a phallis, and offered, no beckoned (shouldn't flatter myself like that!) in the characteristic vietnamese english 'you wan massaaaaaa!' Now remembering the warnings I have received about such massages i pointed to my back, layed on my stomach, and for the next hour received the most unrelaxed, tense massage i have ever received. The time finally came for me to leave, thankyou buddha!, but she would not let me out. cuc demanded a tip and would not accept anything less than 100,000. I reluctantly gave it to her hot-footed it out of there. It was ten more minutes before Richie emereged.

Needing a beer from our duelly stressful experience, we had one. two. three etc and went to bed.

I woke early and went for a jog around the ancent lake. It was beautiful! I stood out like a shag on a rock - running is an excercise for wealthy westerners and kenyans, apparently - but enjoyed the run with camera in hand. It was about 6 am, as rich and i had to catch a 7 am bus to Halong Bay. Around the ancient Hoiem Lake (where it is rumoured lives a mystical turtle that surfaces every couple of years, you spot him, good fortune forever!) countless Hanoian locals excercise to crazy tunes. It's like line dancing on mass but interesting and without Billy Ray Cirus. On the journey a woman who spoke french chased me with a basket of chocolait baguettes on her head. I have wondered the whole time I have been away how there aren't more crashes. Well I saw my first one, two kids on a bike. I'd also wondered how the locals react (I have read that in India they tear the perpertrator of the accident apart with their nails). But old gracious baguette woman pissed herself and was nudging me to piss myself with her. I acquiesced to the chocolait bageuttes after a good 2 blocks worth of being chased.

So we got our shit together and hoped on the bus not anticipating that the bus trip very nearly became our last! We were driving to Halong Bay but clearly buying a stairway to heaven. Michael Schumacher was behind the wheel without a motor cortex but with a minibus full of now-weighing-less-post-scared-defacation people. We made it though. Another side story that affirms my belief about middle aged american tourists. A couple from LA were on their honeymoon. The groom wore a purple kaftan with an american embroidered on the left shoulder. The bride was severly anaemic. He tried to quash her low Iron by feeding her a banana (the off-the-tree-kind) and then proceeded, after some calculated vocal aiming to make the busload aware of his challenge, to throw the banana peel out the window and onto a plant in the median. Celebrations began and they would have consimated their marriage had the driver not turned around and tried to bitch slap the indian supporting douche. "You not window, you not window," he shouted out of clenched teeth. The american, "But it was on the plant! It was on teh plant! Listen buddy, I don't believe in littering. I am a conservationist. It was on the plant, it was a great shot." A bitch slap soon came, but missed. All fell quiet. Except the honking of the horn as the driver overtook another 5 semitrailers.

We arrived in halong bay and were shuffled onto a boat. It was bloody cold - not what you anticipate of Vietnam! We sat down and were served up banquet (the package we bought was $47USD, all meals, two nights accom) of seafood, fried eggs, rice, coconut curries, beaf, salad, watermelon...Delicious! But..Äh, escuse me Mr, my wife here, you see, we're on our honeymoon. She is a special vegetarian. She doesnt eat see food or fruit. Can you get her some more vegetables?" "Ya, like honey said, I am a special vegetarian."
"But there tofu there. You eat tofu? An egg, and rice."
"I don't eat egg, tofu, rice anything but vegetables." sorry even i am bored with this story now, i promise not to write one's like this anymore. Ok basically the story is that she only ate bokchoy and papaya for the duration of the trip. The papaya she whipped out of her bag and slashed up with her own machete.

Anyway it is amazing scenery. Absolutely stunning. We went kayaking and swimming (no one else went in the ocean as it was bloody cold!) in a massive cavern ( i would upload pictures but cambodian internet is i guess a bit of a struggler!!). I proceeded with the peacock call. The locals loved it. So we floated around, enjoyed the scenery a little more and drank and ate and did more of the same. We joined an irish couple Leslie and Steven (leslie being a girl) and Mark and Jenny from england. We played cards, a game called shit head, and finished off the beer in the fridge (50c tiger). A good night. Leslie and Steven are coming to Melb in mid feb so we are going to see if we can hook them up at the local puggs...possibly a duelly beneficial arrangement!! We would evidently travel most of vietnam bumping into these rad individuals.

Next day we jumped ship to a boat where they were going for the three day adventure (most of the people on ours were only going on the 2 day one). We were happy to say goodbye to the happy couple. We then made our way to Catba island, the biggest island in the ha long archipaleago. Here we trekked through the jungle up to mountain lookout. The walk was wicked and rocky and i decided to sherpa and walk it thongless. We met some great people on the trip (Mary, David, Justin, Emily, Emily and Jody - for my memory!) and had interesting debates on the environment. Seemed appropriate considering our location. We took the beauty we saw, wandered break and munched on a cornetto. We then made our way to a remnant structure of the vietnam war - a hospital cave. It was amazing and even better was the ex-miliatry guide how gave as a march a salute and serving in vietnamese before entering.

We continued to Catba town, checked into a very appealing hotel and munched on another banquet. Post-prandial tiredness took me to sleep while the rest of the group ventured to monkey island (apparently the guide was showing off and got attacked by rabid, tormonented primates!). Richie and I later hit the town and indulged in a rat infested, bia hoi haven. Magic! 2000 Dong a beer, 18cents, can't go wrong. stayed there for a good while, contemplated karaoke, then departed. The best thing was that there was not a foreigner in sight, we were immersed in local flesh! We took to the streets and played asian version of hacky sack - a solid mass attached to some feathers - with the locals. I loved the pants I bought in Hanoi to $5 intended to get me into the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum after we were denied because our exposed skin. But after an almighty kick of the hacky, those pants were no more. The locals loved it and pointed me and tapped me, the silly white man, on the shoulder in an 'you're and idiot but i like you' type of way. We went to the local club met a few great travelers and a few less great ones and went to bed.

We woke, had some banquet-like breakfast again and departed catba island and the craziness and beauty of Ha Long Bay. Our bus trip back seemed alot safer than the to even though the driver was legally blind. We stopped off at another Workshop of Handicapped Children, where it seems the syntax of the statement identifies the creation of such. I don't mean to be cynical about apparently charitable things, but I felt the disadvantaged were working their fingers to the bone (much like the little lady who pulled landscaping duty in Happy Gilmore) while someone was making a neat little profit. Anyway in the workshop were pearls costing 25 times more than the same $8 ones i purchased on Catba Island (no mum, you did not just read the cost of your gift!). Anyway we made it back to Hanoi and decided to get on the night train to Hue. So we grabbed a bite with Justin and Emily (of opposite puggs, carlton) and jody and emily (a wicked young heterosexual american couple who as i said, were wicked).

Next post = train trip, hue, dogs, bites, injections, suits and fun

NYE, flashlights, explosions, AK47s + best city ever

so it continues..

after a quick dip we trudged back to the port of DA Nang to catch a ferry to the mainlaind. Richie was too hung over so we had to catch a taxi for the 200m ride, the guy tooted every second of the way! While on the back of the taxi I got a pic of one of those creepy guys i told you about in my last post...

Minor story that may be of interest to you...While on the bus trip back to Bangkok for NYE, we pulled over for a quick toilet stop. Rich went to the toilet, and I went after. When I went a guy pointed to the toilet I must go to, I assumed he was the 'toilet man.' Instead, he came shoulder to shoulder with me a stared at my phallis from start to finish. I'm not saying that it is worth staring at, or that it isn't for that matter, but it was minorly disconcerting. Anyway returning to the bus Richie shared with me the same experience with the man matching that description. Maybe he wanted an eye for an eye. Bad.

Anyway we got to Bangkok, grabed a bite, bought some long necks and headed for the roof top. Beautiful view, about 30 degree night and a very chilled, now tanned two lads. Here is the skyline from the rooftop.

We then taxied into the city to Khao Sanh Rd in another death defying cab trip, sweet fun. While on transport, I have had these cravings to buy an old car and drive everywhere. A car or a motorbike, mum and richie's mum - we wont, but I would love to! Maybe in a couple of years (motorbikes on the streets of Hanoi going for $50 US!). We met up with Watto, Clemo and the local man with the thai tongue Sammy Leso. We had a great time, sunk a bucket or two, enjoyed the company of one another and missed the countdown. That's a good new year!! Richie was keen to shake his groove thing after becoming re-acquanted with some fems from Denmark he met on Koh Samet, so we proceeded into a club, 'The Club.' Barracaded by the skinnier-than-me-bouncers we were told to go home.

A PA announcement was on loop in the packed street, "There is nothing for you here now, please get off the street, please go home." The street filled up with military bracing their AK47s off child lock. The local Sammy thought it was a bit weird, but after some deliberation we obeyed the PA man and fought some Poms for a taxi. We said goodbyes, crashed, and woke up the next morning, thankfully. We later learned that the reason for the unusual PA announcement was because of the 6 bombings that took place post Saddam hanging. One of them was just off the street where we stayed, unbeknown to us!! A bit scary in hindsight, but no wuckas at the time!

Up early again, we taxied to the airport to catch our 10.20 flight to Hanoi. Both of us feeling like poo, the cab driver taught us some dirty thai words and reminded us of our heritage - Steve Erwin and Mark Viduka. We caught the flight to Hanoi after a 1.5 hr delay, and flew North East to the great french influence Vietnamese metropolis.

I loved this place as soon as we arrived. Houses with heavy french colonial influence contrast the rice fields adjacent with field workers and water buffalo busy at work and graze. Motorbikes dart in between cars and other motorbikes in a state of anarchy whilst grandma cyclists carry 50kg bananas over their shoulders and join the sea of petrol guzzling fish! I love this place instantly! It seems that everything is disordly and chaotic but manages to be harmonious at the same time. It is a stark contrast to the grids and cross-hairs of melbourne.

We find a place, with Richie as the Vietnamese tour guide (his heavy Russian communist influence forming an instant bond with communist Vietnam), for $3 USD a night. Quaint, two beds, own bathroom, awesome house keeper who tries to teach me vietnamese and free internet (hence the long blog!).

After a quick bite richie goes on the net and i decide to get lost in the city. I wander around, greeting some of the locals with the latest vocab and dart across the chaotic 'roads'. The city is beautiful and amazing and I love it! After I finally get my bearings, I get back here and write this. Off to dinner now, something delicious no doubt!!

Happy New Year!!

beautiful islands, sensitive stomachs..

finally arrived! i love the heat, the taxi drivers, the characteristic full and pungent smell, and the crazy but nice people. this is a beautiful place!

after richie sketching out after i told him it was sort of standard to be anal probed at customs if they suspect you of mischeif, and me losing my return flight details so as not to need to purchase a visa, the little man stamping our passports and the ease with which we entered the country, we decidedly deserved the 70 cent premium beer awaiting us at the hostel!

we stayed the first night in th sukhumvit, sort of out of the city a bit. we chowed down some singha and some very thai paad thai from a side street stall all in the company of an over zealous american too ready to tell us all about american politics and the prognosis of their dying government. after feeling the beer after the long flight, or becoming drunk in the presence of a talkative human, we went to bed expecting an 8 am start.

Up at 6 due to ye olde body clock, we packed up our shit, woke up a few other travellers, and were on our way to the bus station. It's amazing how readily the thai civilians want to 'help'! so with the kind of help we were warned of we got on a bus to the island of koh samet. a three hour journey and a 1 hour ferry got us to this amazing place. white sand, clear beaches, perfect skies and many a white, morbidly obese british man with a young thai girl attached to his gravitational hip. anyway, we found ourselves a place to stay on the beach, freaking beautiful, for 200Bht ($7) a night. I ate some more (2 meals per meal, richie 1 meal per meal - possibly why i later came undone!), and floundered in the ocean.

Koh Samet is a pretty lively place full of charged backpackers ready to hit the grog hard. We were these people. I have been warned, and for good reason, the buckets are a trap!! One and I was OTR, two and I was in bed by 11 pm, ignoring the mosquito net intended to protect me and passing out on top of it. See picture. A good thai night.

Whether it was something I ate or the quanitity I drank, I wasn't that rosy yesterday!! But is there a better place in the world to be hung over?? No. All day in the beach, copped a sweet hour long thai massage by a young girl who at one stage I think forgot what part of my anatomy I expected her to massage. I did stop her, don't worry! Richie is yet to receive a massage, I let you know of his actions.

I slept all last night too, still nursing a hang over and a now seeming stomach bug. Maybe it's called hyperchondria...

Brings me to today, 10 am, leaving the island at midday for New Years in Bangkok with Clemo and Watto! Woo Hoo. Almost feeling like I could contemplate a drink or two.

Before I go, this place is one of the most amazing places I have ever been, and its sooo cheap!!

Score Count for Richie;

2

nights away;

3.

Peace!

the plan as it be...

yo yo! if want to see how my travels are travelling or how richie's tan is going you can check it here. I'll update it when i update it, obviously, which depends on how regularly i update it. but the plan so far is all on the map...sorry if you have to squint a bit to read the white, it will be good for your eye muscles.
getting so excited!! leave on thursday the 28th, for a night in bangkok, then to the island of Sa Met. apparently it's a honeymooners getaway, but they do still have rooms with two single beds! i'll blog after that...

till i'm from asia...